My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.