I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.