In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.