Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!