Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
an octopus is just a wet spider
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?