Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.