*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram