Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation