Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.