You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?