You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times