I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.