I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.