I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.