I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
My biological clock is wheezing.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end