My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend