1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.