Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.