Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue