mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.