“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?