What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.