If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude