Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.