Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.