I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.