Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.