Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.