For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country