Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something