no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.