My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”