The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon