‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.