My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.