Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.