Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…