First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you