Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.