My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Canada has crack?