Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now