Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.