Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
My wedding will be open casket.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”