I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.