How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear