really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking