last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.