Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.