eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.