Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.