Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.