I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.