“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.